Something I discern about myself day in and day out after attempting at discourse with people at work, home, Internet, and other - I really need to stop letting people dictate what my mood should be. I have been pondering this for quite some time - perhaps for a few years. Some people seem to be self-sufficient with this; they face hostile people at home, friends having a bad mood swing, and angry co-workers and they act like nothing has happened.
Then there is me. Commonly I endure nothing but rancid attitudes by people around me and it really brings me down. Do not get me wrong, I have yet to meet someone who has the most perfect home life and friends. However, can't I be surrounded by happiness for a change? I often wonder why I cannot have one full day where people are calm and nice. By no means confuse this with me being disgruntled about people talking to me about problems. That in itself makes me happy as I enjoy being useful and helpful to people. It is the occasion in which the individual directs their anger toward me that drives me toward the feeling of general hopelessness.
Also, how come I have to be afraid of setting people off? How come I have to act cautious and apologetic around people just so they won't become upset? How come people do not act that way around me? The cause of my general resentment is not one person or one single event; yet, it is the aggregate of what I have felt throughout many years as a person and was never able to fully understand why.
Nevertheless, for those of you who know me well enough, ostensibly this may be one of the causes of my general desire to vanish. I try to keep track of my own personality and often times wonder, am I generally a pessimistic person? I have learned in life that how one may dictate the individuals around them is often a reflection of them. Buddhist teachings go about this motif through the use of a fable or parable. Here is one example:
SuShi and the Buddhist Monk
[This story is from Nomis Fung] The famous Chinese poet SuShi* (1037-1101 A.D.) was visiting his friend, who was a Buddhist monk. SuShi asks the monk what SuShi is like in the monk's eyes.
The monk replies, "In my eyes, you are a Buddha."
SuShi is very happy with this response.
The monk then asks SuShi the same question, and SuShi answers, "In my eyes, you are dung!"
The monk smiles and SuShi is delighted, because he thinks he is better than the monk.
Then some days later, SuShi tells the story to a friend, and the friend tells him the truth, "The monk sees you as a Buddha, because he sees everything as Buddha, because he has a Buddha's heart and eyes. You see the monk as dung, because you see everything as dung, because you have dung’s heart and eyes
In essence, SuShi saw everything around him as excrement not because he was better than them, but because excrement was what filled his heart and mind. And so I wonder, do I feel that people around me are pessimistic because I myself am one? For those that care to respond, let me know what I am like as a person.
